Salsa (sssalsa) wrote,

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Instant Karma's Gonna Kill You

I went to the DMB concert on the mountain last night. Got wrecked in the lot and continued the trend on the lawn with all my flower children friends. The kid that was tripping got lost for 30 minutes and miraculously found our spot right before the band went on. His brother later got lost in the parking lot and needed Tripper to explain what a road looks like (black, yellow lines, cars) in order to find his way back to the car. I kind of wish I rode up with them because Sheena and Brittany fell asleep in my backseat, but J.R. stayed up and smoked with me while the car inched its way down parking lot for an hour. I mixed the drinks a little too hard, and Sheena ended up getting sick just as I pulled up to her house, which I feel pretty bad about. Lessons...

While the band was jamming out like whoa, my brain was left to sift through all the thoughts that have been bogging me down for some time now. I didn't come to any conclusions. I don't think there are any right now. I'm full of possibilities. If I play my cards correctly, I could finally be somewhat, decently content. This scares the living hell out of me. I have all the power in my life right now. What am I supposed to do with this? For the past year and some, I've given myself up for him. It was all about him until I just. couldn't. do. it. Everyone advised me to break it off (some from the start, others as things were just staying so frustratingly stupid), but I didn't listen. Gotta be headstrong and do it myself! It wasn't in vain. He just spent the past five days in the psyche ward - voluntarily. His doctor advised him to admit himself a long time ago, and he never did. I needed to break him down further first. By leaving, I screwed up his emotions. He'd get violently angry at me, the girl who cared better than anything he'd known so far. He must have felt so twisted. l hope this will help, but I know he won't be cured yet. He has a lot of demons that he constantly tries to silence with any cocktail of medication he could consume. The longest time he'd stay sober was when he was with me... until that stopped, toward the end. I couldn't stand to be in that state with him anymore. He called today to let me know that I'm a trigger for his anger that he holds for his parents' affect on his childhood. Since it's trust-related, I help him to get fired up because I broke his heart and his trust. It's sad...

The only time I feel alone is when I'm home at night. My friends have been really cool in inviting me out when they can, but we all have different schedules. I'm on the night shift, where I stay up way too late and sleep into the afternoon. My pattern is helping me rot away. I have to start moving in some direction. I can't believe I've written this much so far. l haven't been able to do this in a very long time, which is horribly pathetic. Even worse, I got a bit tipsy and came home only to leave again an hour later to get cigarettes, find a present JR left for me, and make my way back here - to this. This impersonal world of text that used to provide such a comfort. It feels unreal now. So false... I just want someone to love. me. Robbie tried. He had the feelings, but he was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't provide what I need and deserve. There's this adorably cute guy that I met. Yeah, the one that I've already forced myself on while I was wasted from Meagan's birthday gathering at the gay bar. He has personality, cool friends, style, a job using his degree, a car, and a nice room. How the hell do I have a chance with him? I think I'm fucking it up. He isn't blowing up my phone as much as he did. So I'ma chill and hope for the best, I guess. I just get so nervous that I end up too drunk when I'm around him and liquor. I'm seriously crushing, but this feeling is so foreign right now. Kaitlin pointed out that I've never had a real man before. I've been with B and Robbie in all serious accounts. They're not too masculine. I was always in the dominate position at base, especially with him. Ironic, eh? Hope I'm not too old to learn. I want to so badly...

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