Even if it leads nowhere?
Adele is amazing for this. She's managed to put into words how I feel, and God, I would love to not feel this way for longer than a week or so. I feel as though I'm running in circles. My body cannot maintain through this game. I'm breaking down, down, down... Ssh, don't tell anyone. Keep it to yourself as much as you can. Shove it down; lock it up. Because everyone is sick of hearing about your dilemma. They've already become redundant in their advice, and you've pigheadedly gone against it time after time. They don't know how it feels when it's good, but that's a lie. Is it even good?
I hate this mode... of destruction? discovery? I'm questioning everything - loosing faith, as some would say. BUT FUCK THEM. I am Other. I am not like you, which is partially why I somehow manage to provoke these messes. My heart is so tangled up. It's bound, and I wish I could kill it because life would be so much easier as a robot. Nothing would affect me. You could do me no harm. I feel as though I don't have words for this. There are not words for everything.
Why do people get involved with me in the first place? What is so intriguing, attractive, and at best, engaging? Is it because I'm weird? 'Cause I'm not like anyone else you've ever met? 'Cause I have no idea what I'm doing here? 'Cause I've been here before and hold no clue as to why I've returned? I'd like to know in order to eradicate that element of my self. It breeds no good ending. Why bother to start?
I hate this point in the relationship where we're just stalling. We say all these meaningless things like, "I love you;" "I want to be with you;" "I can change." But they are just words. Just letters put together to convey some thought. They are not real. They are not tangible. They are irrelevant and untrustworthy. No matter how much your heart desires to cling to them; they are no savior.
I wish that I could be your rock - your stability. Catch is, my emotional state has never been stationary for a decent amount of time. It's more akin to an ocean than a lake. I surf when the waves are gnarly, and I flounder when the tide is more tumultuous. Sometimes, I come close to drowning. I've come to terms with this and am trying to improve my endurance as much as I can. But it looks like a tsunami's approaching. I fear that I cannot survive...
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING HERE?
I am saying that I want to stop waiting for things to improve because I'm losing hope in my relationship with Robbie. It seems that he can't or won't help make things better. I'm not able to tell which of the two that is, which is tearing my heart up into little pieces. I'm his first girl, and maybe that's all I should be. But I can't kill all of my feelings. Just seeing him ignites so much in me... touching is completely otherworldly. I have never felt so deeply this quickly before. Now, my head's involved, and it's not in agreement as much anymore. Right now, every aspect of life is waying more heavily on me each day. There's too much pressure, and I can't...
I want things to be better. I want to be happy when I'm with him and without him. He clouds every thought in my mind. Sometimes, it's sweet. Other times, I worry. Neither of us know what to do. There is no answer, is there? Is it that simple?
Some kid from German class asked me out on a date today without my knowing that was actually happening. And after I realized what went down, I felt really guilty... because I'd momentarily entertained the idea : the idea of no problems, stress, or drama. But that's not real. There is no life without these struggles. But it was really flattering since I looked really weird and dirty at the time. I just wonder why I... what the fuck am I putting out there that attracts someone? I'm a complete mess, but I guess I'm good at disguises when they're necessary. I just feel as though I'm breaking down... and there's no one there to hold me up. No one else can.