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(say something)

Elastic Heart - The Friend [23 Dec 2015|04:31pm]
We never made sense as friends. There were so many differences, but that's what made it interesting for so long. We bonded together out of necessity. High school is too much to survive alone.

There was always conflict, but we repaired each rift rather quickly. But I often tried to save you, too, although your pride will never admit that.

We never liked the other's lover - except Mike. You liked him so much that you became his friend. You betrayed me by encouraging him to leave. Well, fuck you. Because I left. It was my choice, and I hate you for being a dick about everything that you want to involve you.

Have fun with your baby. And your marriage. And everything you always swore against.

Because you lied.

And I don't want to forgive you. Instead, I'll pity you and continue. I didn't need you after high school, and deep down, you knew this although you still needed me. I hope you found it rewarding. I hope it was what you wanted.

I actually don't care about you at all.

I hope to not run into you because I think you're unstable and worry about the scene you might decide to create to make yourself feel powerful.

I don't remember much of what we did together, and for that, I am thankful.

You are the one I won't miss.

I hope you enjoyed settling in nearly every challenge you've faced. It's easier - right? Maybe that was our biggest difference. We never really understood each other's point of view. We were and always will be complete opposites, and it's ok to no longer want to be around the other. There's only so much one could take, and this was it.

Anticlimactic and humdrum. 

(say something)

Diamonds Are Forever - The X [23 Dec 2015|04:18pm]
This has been a year full of confusion.

Love and loss walk hand in hand down the path that we've forged for ourselves, laughing. Dark and light interwine and intermingle to the point that it drives you almost insane trying to understand it all and separate the two. Ironically, there is no separation. Some choice exists, but it's limited. We could only do so much to save ourselves and the ones we love. Sometimes, that means we need to sever the bond, and use the same machete to hack through to a new life.

The biggest loss I've "suffered" would probably surprise many. It's a shameful loss that still feels somewhat selfish... especially when you sounded so shock-and-awed at the announcement. Most of all, yousounded hurt, which is odd considering the amount of opiates coursing through yourveins as we spoke. You asked if we could be friends again when, "This was all over."

It's never over.

We were never friends.

We were so much more, and I tried to deny it so much that I even fooled myself for the past few years. I've committed to others, but you still held the most power over me. There's a palpable tension that never faded although I thought I'd forgotten how to connect with others. After I'd been alone and asleep for years hurting the one I thought I cared about most, your space in my heart remained lit - smoldering, waiting for more oxygen.

In, you walk. Breeze right into my arms, letting your air travel right into my chest cavity on a direct path to your residence there. Stopping my lungs on the way...

I don't remember much of what transpired during our years together. We were young. We were dumb. We were so in love that I allowed your trangressions although you were secretly, slowlying killing me. You were killing my ability to care for myself by allowing me to care for you so much. Debilitated, I allowed Mike to become the caregiver for me despite how terrible I know the role to be. And it didn't matter.

He isn't you.

No one will ever be you.

For this, I am thankful. Although you really helped me remember what it's like to be present and wakeful and alive in this world, I alllow you to control so much that you will end up derailing my path away from what's good. You could so easily become my everything and consume my entire world. You could be all that I ever wanted.

If you choose to manipulate me just a bit more...

When you become just that much more desperate...

When the drugs wear off...

If you lose the last shreds of respect you have for me because that comes right after the loss you suffered of your own.

You and I define codependence. With one sentence, I will tear down all the progress I've made, and exist just for you. I will fix you. I will fall with you.

We both know better now. We're no longer kids,and we cannot play dumb without someone calling us out on it. We've been through too much to fall now... at least, not together.

I will always love you, and I'm now learning how to love myself. Being a novice in this department makes me the easiest target for you, so I need you to understand that this move isn't one of negative origin. This is the most positive action I could take for both of us.

This is where I leave you - high, sober, independent, codependent, together, apart, alive, or dead.

Love turns into light that guides the way, so I hope you use what I'm giving you wisely. I hope you find peace while still breathing. I hope you enjoy waking up to greet the potential of a new day,

I hope you and I both get better. But neither of us will ever know what happened to the other. Because it's just too much.

(say something)

Everything Here Is Free. Everything but You and Me. This Painting Never Dries. Stupidity Tries. [13 Oct 2015|10:35pm]
So I guess closing the browswer and feverishly trying every method to get that "autosaved draft" to "restore" isn't working. I'm exhausted, and I have to be in so early for a meeting that will suck so bad.

I put myself in shitty situations because I don't feel as though I deserve better.
I've been running before you, and I know this is it. I'm not confident enough to try for someone new to distract me.
I cannot trust my own feelings. I'm either making things up to feel more or to create distance or for some other reasons that haven't come to me yet.
I fuck to distance myself from relationships. I try to find solace in another as quickly as possible to burn whatever remained of the possibility of returning.
I wanted to go back to him tonight. Because I'm that selfish and afraid to be physically alone... which shouldn't matter much because I've felt alone all of my cognisant life.
The invisible man who's always changing clothes. It's all about taking the easy way out for you, I suppose.
I self sabotage, and it isn't regulated to any specific area of my life like it used to be.
I can barely feel productive at work as I count down the hours to motor out, but then, there's the question of how to spend my time.
The bar seems like such a terribly delightful idea, but I know how that ends. Predictability is comforting, though.
I am my mother, and I cannot stand to be near her as I realize how annoying all of this mental bullshit is.
I think I've convinced myself that I've been like waiting for you because it's easier to have an excuse for shit behavior. I really hurt him all on my own, and I hurt my chances at happiness consistently. I then continued the abuse to both he and I with you.
I put myself in shitty situations because I don't understand how to deal with good things.
Cassie cried when Ryah got married and when she shared pregnancy news. I did not. In fact, I felt like nearly nothing about it all.
I miss him, and I don't at the same time. I wonder how he's doing, and I honestly believe that he's fine... He's finding out what it's like to recover from poison.
I'm as broke as I used to be when I was single. I made dirt and spent all I could on pot and booze for myself and others, of course. Always sharing to make sure it felt acceptable.
I'm so scared to be sober. It means really being alone, and I can barely function.
Mike would literally drag me out of bed, lay out my nasal meds, pack my lunch, make dinner when I came home, leave me alone or limitedly chill with me, and tuck me in at like 9pm until I woke up at 7am to do it all over again in some variation. I grew more absent with each day, I guess. I honestly still don't know what happened.
He's a healthy person, and he was really confused about me. It's funny that my mom told him this is just how I am when he expressed concerns about my behavior. Funny in that she has the same predicament and refuses to admit it, so having another fucked up kid just isn't acceptable. She's been really kind and patient now, but I hate pity as much as it may seem that I crave it.
What I really want is that bond that people write and sing and draw and carve and express their love for love, but I really don't actually believe it in although I do. I guess I don't consider it a possibility for me...
I left my possibility after slowing killing him for years. He tried so hard to be understanding and patient. I just sat there and stopped. I didn't even give him the courtesy of falling the fuck apart. It was more like a catatonic state but with more bitchiness.
You can't love someone unless you love yourself.
I used you to make me feel better, to distract me from this situation with some weird, delusional hope that we'd then be together. Because that's the worst idea I could have had, so you know... why not? It's really sick how much I just fuck myself over and then am surprised when I'm chilling in the fallout.
I oddly appreciate your participation and the quick stop you created.
You're really focused on the right path, and that somehow makes you that much more attractive, so it hurts tobe around you in the most unexpected way. Even over the past few days, it hurt to be near you.

Perhaps, jealousy or entitlement has something to do with it. You know, I suffered through, so... make it right. Maybe?
I desparately want to wake up from whatever this is that I am.
I am completely alone, and nothing will ever be the same.
I moved out to punish myself... to banish myself from everyone to stop hurting them. After the initial pity or concern fades, I know what will happen, and I'm as prepared as a I can be. I mean, really... does everyone feel the need to do as much as possible to alter perception to feel just slightly comfortable with close friends for a few minutes?
I question if I seriously just stole this anxiety and depression from observing others. Did I think this was a good idea or appropriate or easy or attention-seeking? But then I remember being alone as a kid for pretty much all the time.
I don't think I've ever really had company.
I've got a long way to go in getting further away...

(say something)

Stay With Me - Hanging Around in the Lost and Found [13 Oct 2015|10:05pm]
Sometimes, I really hate technology. I had so much written... 90 minutes of just bleeding everywhere and trying to find an order in all the clots. It's all gone because I somehow hit the back button on the browser.

Guess that's what I get, right? It's all past things, anyway. So much past with such little future.

I'm alone. That's ok. I don't mind most of the time. I don't feel afraid to die.

(say something)

In the Company of Wolves, [20 Sep 2015|01:39pm]
I sat in silence - observant and afraid...

Things have changed and stayed exactly the same for 4 years now... 4 years and approx 2 months. I've been chasing feelings and running from them. I feel like I did when I was 18. Minus the angst. At least, I felt slightly badass at times or deserving or worthy or willing. Without that, there's really just this horrific sadness.

And I don't know why. I have no trauma. There isn't anything that's happened to me without my actions causing them as much as I blame the other person. There isn't anything that really separates me from anyone else. Still. I feel like I've been writing the same sentence, repeatedly for years as if I'm completing a punishment.

I have nowhere to go. My mom has taken up residence in the room that had been assigned to me, and I'm happy for her. She deserves to be comfortable, and I know what it's like to feel basically nothing for the person next to you. Even though you should feel everything. You should try to match his efforts. You should compromise. You should love him for all the reasons everyone around you has reminded you of time you felt like moving out and running away. That's how she got stuck. She was too afraid to be alone. Because, like they said, you'll never find another one of that caliber, so you will be alone forever if you fuck this up.

He keeps sayiing that I've shut down as if I'll somehow snap out of it and discover feelings of which I wasn't aware. I'm hurting him and have been for a long time, but he stays. Although it's because he's concerned about me, I think he stays out of fear. If he really wanted this, though, we wouldn't argue so much. The chemistry would still be. There would be some good part. Now, there are good parts of days. With our schedules, we avoid each other, and then a few hours together is spent waiting for the other shoe to drop so badly that we basically force an altercation.

I feel completely wrong.

(say something)

Drink Up Baby. Stay Up All Night With the Things You Could Do. You Won't, But You Might... [24 Mar 2010|01:21am]
[ mood | trrying ]

 It's been awhile...

Since I've done much of anything interesting. I just read my entries, which clearly stop when I just can't write about anything at all. That wall has been steadily growing taller with each day passing. It's sick to see how many times I mention that I alter my reality frequently. Why can't anyone see how troubling that trend is? Well, this time, I'll say something different. I feel a really big change wanting to happen. Honestly, I'm just tired of this track that I've been circling for the past years, and it's hard to comprehend that I've been acting like this for so long. I'm taking a hiatus from the bar scene, and I'll lessen my other bad habits in a slower fashion. Goal #1. It seems like the most logical starting point.

Anyway, I've been remembering my dreams again recently. It's been a really long time since I have had that happen. These dreams are particularly enveloping and realistic. A lot of the details of both have been easily retained. These circumstances have me really intrigued as to what I'm trying to tell myself. Dr. Brassard gave me a hypnotic method used prior to, during, and after sleep to figure out why I "self-sabotage" when it came to schoolwork. This was 3 years ago. I've still been too scared to use it. Not quite sure I can handle that information. Anyway, what I've read recently indicates that my dreams are representing my current problems that I've been trying to ignore with as many distractions as I can find.

I think I've been having toxic dreams, but I'm not sure. Apparently, they feel very realistic and are rather upsetting (check). The body's prone to them more when it's cleansing system is overloaded (this sounds stupid, but I feel like it makes sense). They're usually nightmares (not quite,but scary at times), and their purpose is to signal the mind that it went to rest in a physically toxic state. Mine aren't terrifying nor was I intoxicated when I had them; however, this definition considers shitty food choices and emotions and lack of sleep as toxins. Those kind of apply to me. Anyway, they just feel heavy, so I'm working on analyzing them. 

Synopsis of dream (as much as I've gathered from it): My nose is bleeding. Not the normal drips; I'm profusely bleeding. Am I hemorrhaging to death? It's not cool, but it doesn't hurt. I'm calm. I'm in my home (but not in reality). I'm spilling my crimson stream into a white porcelain sink in a rather white room, sparsely furnished with items found in living room. I start to worry. Then, Steve appears (not magically but like he should have, if that makes sense). He holds out half an eggshell and catches the blood with it while telling me that by the time I fill up the shell, which is by the time he stops explaining this thought, the flow will stop. And it does. Everything is fine... We're (yeah, he's still there) in a car, being driven to a party somewhere. He and his arm around me in this old car with red leather interior (much like the "Karma Police" video, just realized). We were together. Then, I go to a parties that seem to take place outside houses you see on TV shows set in California. Steve doesn't return much. I don't know how long the time period was, but it felt like I was going on a bender - there was a party every night.  I lose my car a few times, so I drive two Subaru's while I'm still looking for meine Auto. I come to find that this badass gang-like dude stole my car from where I'd left it after a night of drinking because I'd hit his something on his property while I was driving drunk. All my friends were there at the different parties, which seemed to be in the same place even though I never knew it was. Each setting looked the same. I often lost my keys and/or my car in the dark. I panic each time.

Then, I wake up. I slept from 5something to 7:50am because I had to cart Mike to school. My car stalls at the light that turned red before it allowed me to drive up the school's cul de sac. That motherfucker is one of the longest lights ever. It caused my car to stall. I remember the dream. Mike hops out of the car because he's almost late. A cop pulled up to me after 3 minutes of attempting to will the engine to life. I have to call AAA because the cop parked his car behind mine in order to direct traffic. I needed at least 30 minutes for the engine to cool so that it'd have a chance to start, but it was the morning rush hour, and my immobile automobile was blocking the flow. Pee-Wee's garage came to tow it. The 60-something man was nice enough while I carefully watched him attach the tow (this is my third time; I know how the hooks work now) to my bumper and underneath my wheels. I awkwardly pull myself into the cab while wearing a hoodie over my pj's, having done nothing to alter my appearance after rolling out of bed. I hate my life while I have the Tequila! dance run through my head as we sit in silence for the 10 minute ride to south side. Then, I have to write him a check because I don't have $3. I watched some tv while I calmed down enough to go back to sleep. Proceeded to waste the entire day but it isn't as though every day isn't essentially wasted anyway. 

Enough for now. I'll analyse this tomorrow. 

(say something)

Instant Karma's Gonna Kill You [25 Sep 2009|02:26am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I went to the DMB concert on the mountain last night. Got wrecked in the lot and continued the trend on the lawn with all my flower children friends. The kid that was tripping got lost for 30 minutes and miraculously found our spot right before the band went on. His brother later got lost in the parking lot and needed Tripper to explain what a road looks like (black, yellow lines, cars) in order to find his way back to the car. I kind of wish I rode up with them because Sheena and Brittany fell asleep in my backseat, but J.R. stayed up and smoked with me while the car inched its way down parking lot for an hour. I mixed the drinks a little too hard, and Sheena ended up getting sick just as I pulled up to her house, which I feel pretty bad about. Lessons...

While the band was jamming out like whoa, my brain was left to sift through all the thoughts that have been bogging me down for some time now. I didn't come to any conclusions. I don't think there are any right now. I'm full of possibilities. If I play my cards correctly, I could finally be somewhat, decently content. This scares the living hell out of me. I have all the power in my life right now. What am I supposed to do with this? For the past year and some, I've given myself up for him. It was all about him until I just. couldn't. do. it. Everyone advised me to break it off (some from the start, others as things were just staying so frustratingly stupid), but I didn't listen. Gotta be headstrong and do it myself! It wasn't in vain. He just spent the past five days in the psyche ward - voluntarily. His doctor advised him to admit himself a long time ago, and he never did. I needed to break him down further first. By leaving, I screwed up his emotions. He'd get violently angry at me, the girl who cared better than anything he'd known so far. He must have felt so twisted. l hope this will help, but I know he won't be cured yet. He has a lot of demons that he constantly tries to silence with any cocktail of medication he could consume. The longest time he'd stay sober was when he was with me... until that stopped, toward the end. I couldn't stand to be in that state with him anymore. He called today to let me know that I'm a trigger for his anger that he holds for his parents' affect on his childhood. Since it's trust-related, I help him to get fired up because I broke his heart and his trust. It's sad...

The only time I feel alone is when I'm home at night. My friends have been really cool in inviting me out when they can, but we all have different schedules. I'm on the night shift, where I stay up way too late and sleep into the afternoon. My pattern is helping me rot away. I have to start moving in some direction. I can't believe I've written this much so far. l haven't been able to do this in a very long time, which is horribly pathetic. Even worse, I got a bit tipsy and came home only to leave again an hour later to get cigarettes, find a present JR left for me, and make my way back here - to this. This impersonal world of text that used to provide such a comfort. It feels unreal now. So false... I just want someone to love. me. Robbie tried. He had the feelings, but he was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't provide what I need and deserve. There's this adorably cute guy that I met. Yeah, the one that I've already forced myself on while I was wasted from Meagan's birthday gathering at the gay bar. He has personality, cool friends, style, a job using his degree, a car, and a nice room. How the hell do I have a chance with him? I think I'm fucking it up. He isn't blowing up my phone as much as he did. So I'ma chill and hope for the best, I guess. I just get so nervous that I end up too drunk when I'm around him and liquor. I'm seriously crushing, but this feeling is so foreign right now. Kaitlin pointed out that I've never had a real man before. I've been with B and Robbie in all serious accounts. They're not too masculine. I was always in the dominate position at base, especially with him. Ironic, eh? Hope I'm not too old to learn. I want to so badly...

(say something)

Are You Ok, Annie? [07 Jul 2009|12:46pm]
I'm downloading a bunch of Michael Jackson right now, like many people across the planet. He really was something amazing... and in exchange for that, he was truly fucked up like many other astounding artists. Poor dude.

(say something)

Everybody Equals Out When All the Songs Are Sung [03 May 2009|12:59pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Wow, I've forgotten how much I LOVE SKA. It's funny how much I choose to lose. I've bartered pieces of myself over the years. I'm not completely recognizable. Sure, I'm still Lucy... somewhat. Sure, I'm still a self-loathing piece of shit. Sure, I've switched from girl to girl to boy to boy to boy so rapidly that you'd swear I was running. I'm on the lam, hiding away from myself. My sense of self is dead. It's been a really long time since I've tried. to do anything. I've officially squandered my potential for having potential! Right now, I find this horribly amusing, but it's 1 in the afternoon. In 12 hours, I will be sobbing over my loss.

Tom Moron told me that I'm basically bullshit. He said that I'm no different from anyone else, and that I'm stupid for not seeing things the way he does. That's a good way to net a lady, fucker.

I've been thinking about how imperative it is to my graduating for me to complete my last assignments that I've been fucking around for a week now. One professor called me. I've yet to contact the other. My aunt wants to purchase an outfit for me to wear under that god-awful polyester black robe next Sunday. No one in my family knows how close I am to not walking across that stupid stage. No one really knows how I feel about this "problem" because I have no idea how I feel. Sometimes, I just want to run away and say, "Fuck you!" to those who've raised me and tried to mold me into a functioning member of society. Sometimes, I want to stay up for hours with the aid of energy drinks and cigarettes to complete my assignments as best as I possibly can given the ever-shrinking time limit I've constructed. Sometimes, I consider just ending everything because everything is nothing is anything is.,. pointless.

Also, I just got paid, but my entire check went to overdraft fees that I unknowingly incurred last Sunday. So I'm $375 poorer for the next 2 weeks. I'm sure my parents will be stoked on this, especially since I just walked away from my mom when she asked me about tickets for graduation for the upteenth time. There are no tickets, as far as I know, and I haven't made an effort to confirm my knowledge because I don't give a fuck if anyone is there. What the fuck did they do? Force me through these last 5 years because I'd be nothing without a bachelor's degree. Funny, I feel more lost now than I did when I was 18. Thanks, America.

(say something)

Seems So Far Away... [30 Apr 2009|07:10pm]

Waiting for summer...

(say something)

Do the Bad Thing. Take Off Your Wedding Ring. [09 Mar 2009|09:46am]

Mondays are bullshit. My nails are continually getting stuck in the keys of this board. It's too early for me to function,  but I could say that at any point in the day anymore. I feel a complete lack of motivation for anything that won't instantly satiate me. This lack is followed  by a desire to just end my life...

So, what's new with you, Sally? Oh, the Shamwow! really works?

Marking the chart.

(say something)

Should I Give Up, or Should I Keep Chasing Pavements... [12 Feb 2009|01:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Even if it leads nowhere?

Adele is amazing for this. She's managed to put into words how I feel, and God, I would love to not feel this way for longer than a week or so. I feel as though I'm running in circles. My body cannot maintain through this game. I'm breaking down, down, down... Ssh, don't tell anyone. Keep it to yourself as much as you can. Shove it down; lock it up. Because everyone is sick of hearing about your dilemma. They've already  become redundant in their advice, and you've pigheadedly gone against it time after time. They don't know how it feels when it's good, but that's a lie. Is it even good?

I hate this mode... of destruction? discovery? I'm questioning everything - loosing faith, as some would say. BUT FUCK THEM. I am Other. I am not like you, which is partially why I somehow manage to provoke these messes. My heart is so tangled up. It's bound, and I wish I could kill it because life would be so much easier as a robot. Nothing would affect me. You could do me no harm. I feel as though I don't have words for this. There are not words for everything.

Why do people get involved with me in the first place? What is so intriguing, attractive, and at best, engaging? Is it because I'm weird? 'Cause I'm not like anyone else you've ever met? 'Cause I have no idea what I'm doing here? 'Cause I've been here before and hold no clue as to why I've returned? I'd like to know in order to eradicate that element of my self. It breeds no good ending. Why bother to start?

I hate this point in the relationship where we're just stalling. We say all these meaningless things like, "I love you;" "I want to be with you;" "I can change." But they are just words. Just letters put together to convey some thought. They are not real. They are not tangible. They are irrelevant and untrustworthy. No matter how much your heart desires to cling to them; they are no savior.

I wish that I could be your rock - your stability. Catch is, my emotional state has never been stationary for a decent amount of time. It's more akin to an ocean than a lake. I surf when the waves are gnarly, and I flounder when the tide is more tumultuous. Sometimes, I come close to drowning. I've come to terms with this and am trying to improve my endurance as much as I can. But it looks like a tsunami's approaching. I fear that I cannot survive...


I am saying that I want to stop waiting for things to improve because I'm losing hope in my relationship with Robbie. It seems that he can't or won't help make things better. I'm not able to tell which of the two that is, which is tearing my heart up into little pieces. I'm his first girl, and maybe that's all I should be. But I can't kill all of my feelings. Just seeing him ignites so much in me... touching is completely otherworldly. I have never felt so deeply this quickly before. Now, my head's involved, and it's not in agreement as much anymore. Right now, every aspect of life is waying more heavily on me each day.  There's too much pressure, and I can't...

I want things to be better. I want to be happy when I'm with him and without him. He clouds every thought in my mind. Sometimes, it's sweet. Other times, I worry. Neither of us know what to do. There is no answer, is there? Is it that simple?

Some kid from German class asked me out on a date today without my knowing that was actually happening. And after I realized what went down, I felt really guilty... because I'd  momentarily entertained the idea : the idea of no problems, stress, or drama. But that's not real. There is no life without these struggles. But it was really flattering since I looked really weird and dirty at the time. I just wonder why I... what the fuck am I putting out there that attracts someone? I'm a complete mess, but I guess I'm good at disguises when they're necessary. I just feel as though I'm breaking down... and there's no one there to hold me up. No one else can.

(say something)

Barack Obama - Change Gonna Come-Ah... [20 Jan 2009|11:18am]



(say something)

The Enemy Is Within. Don't Confuse Me With Him. [17 Nov 2008|11:50pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Waves just start crashing all over me without warning or provocation anymore. How do you prevent something when you don't know it's going to happen? Do I just sit in a padded cell for awhile? Make friends with crayons? Eat from a straw?

While these options are tempting at times... I feel so fucked. In desperation and curiousity, I went to the psych department's "National Depression Day Screening." You know, to make sure I'm just fabricating it all. Turns out, I'm not. My completed survey was positive for the disease. Is it a disease? Disorder? I feel more disorderly. Keeping on, I let the cute, preppy, I've-got-MY-shit-together girl sign me up for further "assistance." The center called me at 8:30am two days in a row. Now, wouldn't one assume that upset people really enjoy their sleep? This intrusion on my last resting hours honestly offended me. Since I hadn't responded to their calls in a timely fashion, the doctor at the center called my house the following day. Unable to successfully decline his offer, I schedule an evaulation for Thursday at 8am. The fee is $10, I'm told. Silly me. I don't like waking up prior to 8am. I doubt having my psyche prodded would be enjoyable at that ungodly hour. I cancelled the appointment. A week went by without being slightly harassed from the counseling center, but the doctor blew up my cellular piece early this morning. I was sleeping through class, which is the norm nowadays. I blew him off, and he wished me well. That interaction really makes me feel a lot worse.  The doctor is just another person that I've disappointed, even though he doesn't know me at all. I just can't face being helped without it actually being helpful. That act could cause a stronger storm.

I used to think I was much stronger than this, and I wonder if I was ever right... minded. Am I strong? How can one even measure such aspects?

I looked at photo albums last week. The album stopped at around 10 years old. I cried. a bit. for a minute or two. It didn't help me. Looking back just makes the future look so much bleaker. It's overwhelmingly charcoal. I can't trust it. I wonder if I ever trust anyone for longer than fifteen minutes at at time. I'm forever questioning intentions, reasons, and honesty. The photos remind me of when I had potential and when people really cared about me and believed in me. That cloud has blown out from under me. My college career is comprised of mistakes, and I am allowing them to happen with ease now. School doesn't hold much of my interest. It isn't as useful and worthwhile as most people perceive it to be. I'm not much smarter than I was at seventeen. Frankly, I feel as though I'm on a retrograde.

Every aspect of my life is in question, and I can't control my brain. It's destroying everything, and I'm unable to fight it. I'm seriously scared. These next few months are going to be... a struggle.
And it's sick that I feel this way when I have nothing to be upset over. My life is not filled with adversity. I'm an average-lower-middle-class-American-twenty-something-girl... who just isn't worth it.

(say something)

Is This What You Wanted? Sometimes, I Wonder. [03 Nov 2008|08:08pm]
[ mood | fucked ]

School blows. Each day, the level of blowage increases. Although I should expect it, I am still surprised with how strong the distaste in my mouth is every morning when the buzzer tells me that I have to get up so that I won't be late. Assignments come and go without my acknowledgment. For those of you still trying, I salute you and your solution. Well done on the responsibility front. I'd rather sit here, wishing minutes away until 8:30pm flashes on my computer screen, allowing me to go home. Tonight, I'm sitting in the computer lab for Business & Technical Writing. I took this class in the spring when it was called Writing for the Social Sciences. It was less work, and I didn't want to hurl as much. I'm struggling to come up with a topic for my Problem Analysis assignment. It just all seems so pointless. I also managed to crumble while attempting to complete the resume we had to write in response to an ad for a position in our field. See, I don't want to face the "Real World," and I probably never will. This is real enough for me. This is enough bullshit for me.

Tomorrow's Election Day. I'm really nervous about it. What would happen if McCain inexplicably wins? The plan I've concocted is Flee to Canada ASAP. I feel it will work since it involves getting the fuck out of PA as soon as humanly possible and relocating to the land of Maple Syrup and Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Time is not moving . . .

Robbie's back at Notify. He re-started tonight, and I'm really happy for him. It's very difficult to find a decent paying job in this area. Hopefully, the increase in income will help ease his stress for awhile. I, on the other hand, have no money. I find myself praying for weeks to merge so that I can get paid again. Most of it goes to gas and cigarettes. Some goes toward the loan for my car. The rest isn't much, and it tends to go to alcohol or weed, depending on the situation.

This isn't what I expected.

(1 listened | say something)

[15 Oct 2008|02:11pm]
[ mood | in it ]

all you need is love

love is all you need

(say something)

[06 Oct 2008|11:44am]
[ mood | curious ]

this year is just like all the rest. there are new characters, but it's really just all the same - smoke, drink, fuck, slack. i wonder if this will become a regret when i have a degree without an education.

(say something)

Without an Enemy, Your Anger Gets Confused [15 Sep 2008|12:29am]
[ mood | here ]

I have come to realize that Elliott Smith's words continue to impress me while expressing how I feel in such eloquent phrases. I'm keeping this short because I don't know what else to do. I'm going deeper and deeper into myself. I had a near death experience last night, which I do every time I become violently ill. It was worse than it ever had been before. Fun times... still, I'll sit here completely beside myself. by myself. because that's the way things should be.

If I go, just know that I cared. more than you'd know.

(1 listened | say something)

Disconnecting From the Missing Link [25 Aug 2008|01:55am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

The cold comfort of the inbetween. A little less than a human being. A little less than a happy high. A little less than a suicide. The only things you really tried...

Funny, I find myself on the eve of that fateful Monday that will begin the end of my collegiate career, and I'm sitting here, wishing summer didn't have to leave because the party is still raging. But her drunkass boyfriend is causing trouble, so she has to go before he hurls the rubbermaid container that held the jungle juice that has seeped into and coated our brains in a nice, pink hue at nothing imparticular and everyone in general. It'd be so messy... too messy. The way things are going must end. I must fall into my autumn depression as I do every year, but I get better at it each and every time since I find myself lower than the prior year allowed. As much as I try to pull my head away from the reality it chooses to view over and over again, I fail. Whatever I put into my system doesn't take hold like it used to. I've built a tolerance, but it's not consistent. Sometimes, it leaves me spewing my red sputum, laced with whatever liquor you name, into my garbage can while I lay on the floor, wishing it will stop swirling around long enough to allow me to steadily sleep on it. Other times, it allows me to have the best sexual experience that I could ever imagine in all actuality, truth, honesty, reality... It's a guessing game, and I've forgotten how to cheat. That's a lie, so I suppose I'm not that shabby. I wish I could bring myself to cheat - taking what I "need" in complete disregard of everything that isn't me; however, this brutal honest streak cannot be drank or smoked away... I used to actively try to destroy it. Actually, I spent last summer doing just that. Had a Ghostie from that time pop up last night, but we did a Jager bomb together. All was well. It's the sobriety that is so harsh and cutting... sometimes. when I think about it too much. when no one is around to tell me it'll all be ok even though i never admit to wanting those words.

Robbie's been keeping me sane for the past three months. Though I try not to think about it, I'm dreading the day when he won't want me anymore because he's realized that there's always something better. Wow. I'm just whining away here. What I really wanted to convey is this: I wish this season didn't have to end because it's been the best summer I've ever had at a time when I really needed and truly appreciated it. I shouldn't ask for more, but I can't stop myself from grasping onto this wave until it breaks. It will hurt so much when it does. Although there's still an awful amount of drama around, it isn't as important as it once was. Generally, I'm completely content. even happy. sometimes fucking elated. But I've talked about my need for sleep and inability to wake up every morning with Robbie, who basically suggested I seek professional help without actually saying those words. Then, we both left the subject because we'd made hash butter, which is all the pure THC from stems, and we were too fucked to harp on anything... or keep a linear train of thought. We were just too calm. The world was just too perfect. momentarily. I guess it's all about counting the minutes... tick, tock.

(say something)

Do You, Don't You Want Me to Love You? [24 Jun 2008|01:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]


Well, things aren't really much of anything right now. I have a lot to write about. It's insane, but I slept until noon today, which doesn't leave me with much time before work. There's also a scholarship form that I have to fill out; however, I shouldn't really bother since my grades aren't stellar. They hover around the 2.0 range. Slackers never win.


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