Love and loss walk hand in hand down the path that we've forged for ourselves, laughing. Dark and light interwine and intermingle to the point that it drives you almost insane trying to understand it all and separate the two. Ironically, there is no separation. Some choice exists, but it's limited. We could only do so much to save ourselves and the ones we love. Sometimes, that means we need to sever the bond, and use the same machete to hack through to a new life.
The biggest loss I've "suffered" would probably surprise many. It's a shameful loss that still feels somewhat selfish... especially when you sounded so shock-and-awed at the announcement. Most of all, yousounded hurt, which is odd considering the amount of opiates coursing through yourveins as we spoke. You asked if we could be friends again when, "This was all over."
It's never over.
We were never friends.
We were so much more, and I tried to deny it so much that I even fooled myself for the past few years. I've committed to others, but you still held the most power over me. There's a palpable tension that never faded although I thought I'd forgotten how to connect with others. After I'd been alone and asleep for years hurting the one I thought I cared about most, your space in my heart remained lit - smoldering, waiting for more oxygen.
In, you walk. Breeze right into my arms, letting your air travel right into my chest cavity on a direct path to your residence there. Stopping my lungs on the way...
I don't remember much of what transpired during our years together. We were young. We were dumb. We were so in love that I allowed your trangressions although you were secretly, slowlying killing me. You were killing my ability to care for myself by allowing me to care for you so much. Debilitated, I allowed Mike to become the caregiver for me despite how terrible I know the role to be. And it didn't matter.
He isn't you.
No one will ever be you.
For this, I am thankful. Although you really helped me remember what it's like to be present and wakeful and alive in this world, I alllow you to control so much that you will end up derailing my path away from what's good. You could so easily become my everything and consume my entire world. You could be all that I ever wanted.
If you choose to manipulate me just a bit more...
When you become just that much more desperate...
When the drugs wear off...
If you lose the last shreds of respect you have for me because that comes right after the loss you suffered of your own.
You and I define codependence. With one sentence, I will tear down all the progress I've made, and exist just for you. I will fix you. I will fall with you.
We both know better now. We're no longer kids,and we cannot play dumb without someone calling us out on it. We've been through too much to fall now... at least, not together.
I will always love you, and I'm now learning how to love myself. Being a novice in this department makes me the easiest target for you, so I need you to understand that this move isn't one of negative origin. This is the most positive action I could take for both of us.
This is where I leave you - high, sober, independent, codependent, together, apart, alive, or dead.
Love turns into light that guides the way, so I hope you use what I'm giving you wisely. I hope you find peace while still breathing. I hope you enjoy waking up to greet the potential of a new day,
I hope you and I both get better. But neither of us will ever know what happened to the other. Because it's just too much.