Salsa (sssalsa) wrote,

Everything Here Is Free. Everything but You and Me. This Painting Never Dries. Stupidity Tries.

So I guess closing the browswer and feverishly trying every method to get that "autosaved draft" to "restore" isn't working. I'm exhausted, and I have to be in so early for a meeting that will suck so bad.

I put myself in shitty situations because I don't feel as though I deserve better.
I've been running before you, and I know this is it. I'm not confident enough to try for someone new to distract me.
I cannot trust my own feelings. I'm either making things up to feel more or to create distance or for some other reasons that haven't come to me yet.
I fuck to distance myself from relationships. I try to find solace in another as quickly as possible to burn whatever remained of the possibility of returning.
I wanted to go back to him tonight. Because I'm that selfish and afraid to be physically alone... which shouldn't matter much because I've felt alone all of my cognisant life.
The invisible man who's always changing clothes. It's all about taking the easy way out for you, I suppose.
I self sabotage, and it isn't regulated to any specific area of my life like it used to be.
I can barely feel productive at work as I count down the hours to motor out, but then, there's the question of how to spend my time.
The bar seems like such a terribly delightful idea, but I know how that ends. Predictability is comforting, though.
I am my mother, and I cannot stand to be near her as I realize how annoying all of this mental bullshit is.
I think I've convinced myself that I've been like waiting for you because it's easier to have an excuse for shit behavior. I really hurt him all on my own, and I hurt my chances at happiness consistently. I then continued the abuse to both he and I with you.
I put myself in shitty situations because I don't understand how to deal with good things.
Cassie cried when Ryah got married and when she shared pregnancy news. I did not. In fact, I felt like nearly nothing about it all.
I miss him, and I don't at the same time. I wonder how he's doing, and I honestly believe that he's fine... He's finding out what it's like to recover from poison.
I'm as broke as I used to be when I was single. I made dirt and spent all I could on pot and booze for myself and others, of course. Always sharing to make sure it felt acceptable.
I'm so scared to be sober. It means really being alone, and I can barely function.
Mike would literally drag me out of bed, lay out my nasal meds, pack my lunch, make dinner when I came home, leave me alone or limitedly chill with me, and tuck me in at like 9pm until I woke up at 7am to do it all over again in some variation. I grew more absent with each day, I guess. I honestly still don't know what happened.
He's a healthy person, and he was really confused about me. It's funny that my mom told him this is just how I am when he expressed concerns about my behavior. Funny in that she has the same predicament and refuses to admit it, so having another fucked up kid just isn't acceptable. She's been really kind and patient now, but I hate pity as much as it may seem that I crave it.
What I really want is that bond that people write and sing and draw and carve and express their love for love, but I really don't actually believe it in although I do. I guess I don't consider it a possibility for me...
I left my possibility after slowing killing him for years. He tried so hard to be understanding and patient. I just sat there and stopped. I didn't even give him the courtesy of falling the fuck apart. It was more like a catatonic state but with more bitchiness.
You can't love someone unless you love yourself.
I used you to make me feel better, to distract me from this situation with some weird, delusional hope that we'd then be together. Because that's the worst idea I could have had, so you know... why not? It's really sick how much I just fuck myself over and then am surprised when I'm chilling in the fallout.
I oddly appreciate your participation and the quick stop you created.
You're really focused on the right path, and that somehow makes you that much more attractive, so it hurts tobe around you in the most unexpected way. Even over the past few days, it hurt to be near you.

Perhaps, jealousy or entitlement has something to do with it. You know, I suffered through, so... make it right. Maybe?
I desparately want to wake up from whatever this is that I am.
I am completely alone, and nothing will ever be the same.
I moved out to punish myself... to banish myself from everyone to stop hurting them. After the initial pity or concern fades, I know what will happen, and I'm as prepared as a I can be. I mean, really... does everyone feel the need to do as much as possible to alter perception to feel just slightly comfortable with close friends for a few minutes?
I question if I seriously just stole this anxiety and depression from observing others. Did I think this was a good idea or appropriate or easy or attention-seeking? But then I remember being alone as a kid for pretty much all the time.
I don't think I've ever really had company.
I've got a long way to go in getting further away...
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