Things have changed and stayed exactly the same for 4 years now... 4 years and approx 2 months. I've been chasing feelings and running from them. I feel like I did when I was 18. Minus the angst. At least, I felt slightly badass at times or deserving or worthy or willing. Without that, there's really just this horrific sadness.
And I don't know why. I have no trauma. There isn't anything that's happened to me without my actions causing them as much as I blame the other person. There isn't anything that really separates me from anyone else. Still. I feel like I've been writing the same sentence, repeatedly for years as if I'm completing a punishment.
I have nowhere to go. My mom has taken up residence in the room that had been assigned to me, and I'm happy for her. She deserves to be comfortable, and I know what it's like to feel basically nothing for the person next to you. Even though you should feel everything. You should try to match his efforts. You should compromise. You should love him for all the reasons everyone around you has reminded you of time you felt like moving out and running away. That's how she got stuck. She was too afraid to be alone. Because, like they said, you'll never find another one of that caliber, so you will be alone forever if you fuck this up.
He keeps sayiing that I've shut down as if I'll somehow snap out of it and discover feelings of which I wasn't aware. I'm hurting him and have been for a long time, but he stays. Although it's because he's concerned about me, I think he stays out of fear. If he really wanted this, though, we wouldn't argue so much. The chemistry would still be. There would be some good part. Now, there are good parts of days. With our schedules, we avoid each other, and then a few hours together is spent waiting for the other shoe to drop so badly that we basically force an altercation.
I feel completely wrong.